John and Charles Wesley were brothers and outstanding leaders in the great evangelical movement in England during the 18th century. Much of their training was carried out by their godly mother, Mrs. Susannah Wesley. She had 17 children and raised each of them in accordance with the standards of God’s Word. This letter below is dated July 24, 1732. The principles she relates are still true today.
Dear Son,
According to your desire, I have collected the principal rules I observed in educating my family; which I now send you as they occurred to my mind, and you may dispose of them in what order you please.
When turned a year (and some before), they were taught to fear the rod and cry softly; by which means they escaped the abundance of correction they might otherwise have had; and that most odious noise, the crying of the children was rarely heard in the house; but the family lived in much quietness as if there had not been a child among them.
In order to form the minds of children the first thing to be done is to conquer the will, and bring them into an obedient temper. To inform the understanding is a work of time, and must with children, proceed by slow degrees as they are able to bear it; but the subjecting of the will is a thing which must be done at once, and the sooner the better.
For by neglecting timely correction, they will contract a stubbornness and obstinacy which is hardly ever after conquered, and never without using such severity as would be painful to me as to the child. In the esteem of the world they pass for kind and indulgent parents whom I call cruel parents, who permit their children to get habits which they know must afterward be broken. Nay, some are so stupidly fond, as in sport to teach their children to do things which, in the after while, they have severely beaten them for doing.
Whenever a child is corrected, it must be conquered; and this will be no hard matter to do, if it be not grown headstrong by too much indulgence. And if the will of a child is totally subdued, and if it be brought to revere and stand in awe of the parents, then a great many childish follies, and inadvertencies may be passed by. Some should be overlooked and taken no notice of, and others mildly reproved. But no willful transgression ought ever to be forgiven children, without chastisement, more or less as the nature and circumstances of the offense shall require.
I insist upon conquering the will of children betimes (quickly), because this is the only strong and rational foundation of religious education; without which both precepts and example will be ineffectual. But when this is thoroughly done, then a child is capable of being governed by the reason and piety of its parents, till its own understanding comes to maturity, and the principles of religion have taken root in the mind.
I cannot dismiss this subject. As self-will is the root of all sin and misery, so whatever cherishes this in children insures their after-wretchedness and irreligion; whatever checks and mortifies it promotes their future happiness and piety. This is still more evident if we further consider that religion is nothing else than doing the will of God, and not our own; that the one grand impediment to our temporal and eternal happiness being this self will. No indulgence of it can be trivial, no denial unprofitable.
Heaven or hell depends upon this alone. So that the parent who studies to subdue it in his child, works together with God in the renewing and saving of a soul. The parent who indulges it, does the Devil’s work, makes religion impractical, salvation unattainable, and does all that in him lies to damn his child, soul and body forever.
7 Distilled Principles From Mrs. Wesley:
- Children should be taught to fear a biblical spanking and respond with soft crying from about the age of 1.
- The will of a child must be conquered and put under the subjection of obedience to parents as soon as possible.
- Children who are over-indulged and permitted to develop habits that must be broken at a future time have neglectful and foolish parents.
- Unintentional, childish folly should be often overlooked or only mildly reproved, but the willful transgression of a child must be met with appropriate chastening.
- Children that are brought into the realm of obedience to parents are capable of responding to the godly example of those parents until they develop their own convictions concerning the Scriptures (This assumes the parents desire a godly life – a tall order in our day).
- Self-will in children serves as the one grand impediment to temporal and eternal happiness; it must be checked and put to death for the sake of those children.
- Parents will work with or against God in raising their children; they must bear this weighty responsibility before Him.
